There is no one experience more definitive to the human condition than Death. It might sound morbid and depressing but it's true. Two days ago my aunt lost one of her in-laws. His name was Nishit (knee-she). Nishit had Lupus and recently suffered from an infection that claimed his life at the tender age of 28. After slipping into a coma, he decided to return home to Portugal for the first time in four years to be with his mother. I called my aunt to see how she was doing and it broke my heart to hear her so dejected. Her husband/my uncle flew to Portugal to be with his family and my aunt is home alone. My aunt is not that much older than me and is more of an older sister. My grandmother's passing a few months ago compounded by a recent robbery and now Nishit's death has shaken her faith and lowered her spirits. I teared up during our conversation. It hurt me to hear be so negative toward life. It's understandable why she would question God's plan for her and for those in her life like Nishit. She wondered why those who do good seem to suffer the most.
I don't pretend to have all the answers or the most positive outlook on life. However, after being depressed because of my grandmother's death to the point of it manifesting physically, I learned to see life in a way that allows me to be at peace. My grandmother was the key figure in my development as a person and I feel robbed; she passed when I still needed her. Yet, most people don't get a chance to know their grandmother. I had nineteen beautiful years during which I was able to learn from her. We can't dwell on the time we don't have with people. We can only be thankful for the time God did grant us. Death is the only thing in life that is absolutely guaranteed. Therefore, the people in our lives (and our own for that matter) are on loan. They aren't ours to guard selfishly.
Nishit had begun recently to turn his life around for the better. I listen to my aunt's exasperated voice lament over how it wasn't fair. He deserved to live longer. Why should other people who do bad or cause others pain continue to live? I believe firmly that we all have a purpose in life. Nishit could have died sooner but, God kept him around long enough for him to turn his life around and return to Portugal to be with his family. Some people accomplish their purpose in 20 years and some take 80 years.
My aunt was half regretful that she chose to move to Florida when she got married. She told me she should have stayed and been with the family, stood to look after my grandmother. My grandmother was not sick for a long time before she died (only a month), my aunt could not have known she was going to pass. Hindsight is 20/20 but we act according to what makes sense for us at the moment. We can only do the best we can and have faith that things will turn out alright. No one should regret bettering themselves. I am the only other family member besides my aunt to leave the comfort of New York. They don't know but my family makes me feel guilty sometimes for so adamantly pursuing my career ambitions in so much that I'm not around very much. What I do is not just for me, it's for my entire family so that we can go beyond the boundaries of the typical ghetto Puerto Rican experience in NYC. You have to be a little selfish at times in order to better yourself. I want my aunt to know that I am proud of everything she has accomplished, which I know she wouldn't have if she had stayed in NY to be the dutiful daughter. Her recent bad luck is not a punishment, it simply makes her more amazing for all that she has done in spite of the rain clouds hanging over her these days.
My grandmother, Nishit and all the other who have passed keep company with angels now. Their influence on our lives are gifts for which to be grateful. Cry and be sad but also smile. Smile because you remember the times spent, the lessons learned, the inside jokes, the warm embraces. The memories held close are ours. All the people who come in and out of our lives each leave an imprint and for some of them we are the better for it. Carpe Diem.
Deuces,
Naz
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